I am going to use today's blog to do a little of all of that.
My grandmother died of cancer 10 years ago. Wow, I can't believe I have been without her for 10 years. She was awesome and I didn't see all of her awesomeness until she was gone. She was very honest and very much to the point. Pretty much, if you didn't like what she had to say then too bad. She had a not so great childhood and a just ok adult life. But let me tell you, she loved with her whole heart. I mean, every single inch of it. No matter what happened. She was a lover. She was proud of her kids and her "grandgirls" (grandgirls because it was just 3 of us girls in the end....she called us that too, grandgirls). She was the absolute best at sending cards. And not just because she had a list of people and she mailed them some generic card. She thought about it. She put love in it. My childhood best friend once told me that she got a card from my grandmother every birthday with 5 dollars in it. It was always signed "Ma". Man, I love her. I don't say loved, because that is past tense, and there is no way I have stopped my love for her.
After the death of my Ma, my grandfather went a little.....ummmm.....we'll just say wild. That is the most appropriate way to say it. That is the most Christian way to say it. Cause if I said it the way I have felt for the past 10 years, I'm sure it would scare some people and they would never talk to me again. I've been angry. I've been disgusted. I've been hurt. I've been fed up. I've never hid how I felt. I have never tried to be one of those small town people who try and cover up their "secrets" when it came to bad family behavior. I've been quite honest. He did his fair share with women, with drugs, with alcohol, and I'm sure with other things that I have no idea about. My mother and my Aunt have had a hard time with this. They have done all but spit in his face and tell him flat out what they were really thinking. We all distanced ourselves from him, because just when we would think he was coming back around, we would be let down one more time.
Then, he was diagnosed with Leukemia. Yep, you heard me. So, how do you cope with that when it's someone who was an ass when his wife was dying? When his son was dying? Someone who found other people's illnesses a burden? Someone who flew off the handle when things weren't going his way? Do you find compassion? Forgiveness? Love? Well, I have struggled with that. I have tried so hard to find it within myself to forgive. And I have. I have forgiven him. Not because I am ok with his actions or his attitude, but because I'm not going to lose myself in hatred for him. I'm not going to suffer losing my soul so that I can be angry with him.
The past few weeks have been an eye opener for him. He has made a friend who has actually been able to talk some sense into him (or at least that's what I think). He has been coming to church. (I can't go back and tell you everything, but this man was raised in the church and he never felt the need to be baptized....ok, now I really don't have time to get into how the Church of Christ do things, but we baptize for the remission of sins.....ok, let me get to the point where I tell you that he is like 77 years old and never confessed that he believes that Jesus died for his sins and that he wants to be washed clean of those sins.....are you following?)
Wednesday morning, My father baptized him.
How's that for a shocking ending? I am happy as a granddaughter. I am happy as a daughter of his daughter. I am happy as a Christian who believes he had to do this to go to heaven. I am happy......yet, skeptical. Is that wrong? I mean, who am I to judge if his heart is in the right place? I'm not that person and I refuse to be her. I am going to be the wonderful granddaughter who believes that for once in the last 10 years, he made a great decision and I am proud of him. And that's where I'm going to leave it.
I'm proud of him.
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